Five Ways to Find Your Perfect Community through Gaming
- Elliot Gardner
- Mar 5, 2023
- 8 min read
An Introvert's Guide
By Elliot Gardner (she/her)
A photograph of two people sitting in a living room. The one on the left wears a jean jumper and the one on the right wears cargo pants with a tank top. They are smiling at each other while holding video game controllers.
If you were anything like me, Mario was always one of your best friends growing up. Human beings offered a bit more complication with their personality quirks and perplexing social queues. The man in the bright red cap reliably wahoo'd and yippy'd each time I pressed A, and he wouldn't ask me any questions about my odd early-2000s clothing choices or judge me for my neurodivergence. Most importantly, the dependable little guy on the screen would always be there if I needed him.
Funnily enough, without realizing it at the time, I made sure that new, real friends also liked Mr. Mario. At our group hang out sessions, I'd immediately plug in the Nintendo to test their skills at Super Smash, Galaxy, and Kart. Each companion's reception to gaming would ultimately determine if the relationship would last.
Not much has changed: I've held onto gaming as a touchstone throughout my adult life. Video games have guided me through the tragedy and joy, anxiety and exuberance - highs and lows that come with the average millennial.
It's taken me a long time to understand that being this way is okay. Much to my youthful chagrin, loud parties and long nights out were just not my "thing." Instead of fighting against it now (well... for the most part), I've translated my comfort hobby into a way to connect with others nearby and across the world: a gateway to understanding people and finding new friends along the way.
In the same way that I once used Mario to connect with my childhood friends, here are several practical, 21st-century ways that you can use gaming to find community and use your position to build safe spaces for others. My hope is that these options will help you connect to people in ways that serve you, so you can feel a little less alone in this big world we call home.
Table of Contents
What's your favorite way to meet other gamers?
Discord
In-game
Local and Online Conventions
eSports Clubs, Tournaments, and Events
1. Discord
Find a safe virtual space or create your own, personalized forum.
Discord lets anyone under the sun create a server and fill it with simple chat channels. It's one part Zoom and one part internet forum a la Neopets in 2001. Originally, it was used to easily voice chat with other people while fighting foes in game; however, Discord has buffed up its community support to deliver all new ways to build camaraderie with internet buds.
An animated GIF of a pair of hands typing quickly on an old-fashioned laptop.
During one of the most secluded years of my life (2020), I stumbled upon a gaming Discord server catering to women and femme-identifying people, BIPOC, queer folks, and their allies. Instead of feeling afraid to share comments on social media or on public news sites like Kotaku, I finally had a space to discuss one of my favorite sociological topics (Intersectional Feminism in gaming) safely. After years of feeling isolated from the gaming community, I was immediately fully immersed and conversing with professionals from all over the world.
If you're a Discord aficionado, you're probably well versed in finding the right community match. If this is your first encounter with the tool, Discord includes a handy Explore Public Servers button in the bottom left corner. If you don't have the application downloaded yet, no worries: search the full list of community servers on the web here or take a look at Goats And Pros' List of eSports servers. Try looking for spaces with about 2000-3000 users. Official servers for larger games can get chaotic quickly with a constantly rolling chat. In smaller communities, you'll start recognizing usernames and eventually build close, supportive friendships.
Discord links will also often pop-up in advertisements or on web pages associated to games, businesses, or influencers; if you choose this path, you'll enter the server already having a highly-specific common interest with others. Have a favorite indie game? Look for a link to the developer's server on the title screen.
Level up: Once you feel comfortable enough, start thinking about becoming a moderator. Moderators spark community discussion, host fun events, and help fight off the trolls. Moderating benefits both you and the community you love. Who knows? Community Management could even be a lucrative career path for you!
A perk of Discord is that you can lurk indefinitely without chatting or close the app if you feel overwhelmed. Once you're comfortable with the people in the server, try saying "hi." If you don't like the vibes, click that "leave" button and check out.
2. In-Game
Use group finder tools to find compatible squads, and ignore the haters.
As we all know, navigating the intricacies of text and voice chat in online games can get a bit tricky -- particularly if you're not a white, cishet man. As a woman, I typically leave voice chat firmly toggled off when I'm playing MMOs or MOBAs to protect myself from harassment; this perpetual state of disconnect impedes folks who actually want to use chat systems to strategize and win (yes, the metaphorical glass ceiling of gaming does exist; that's a topic for another time).
To find folks online, you have to be patient and drive defensively when navigating social spaces. Red flags can be overt, via guild naming conventions or inaugural chat interactions, so that's your cue to jump ship immediately. Do not interact or "feed the trolls." If you only want to text-chat, don't change course for a particularly pushy tank.
If you unfortunately get caught in an upsetting conversation while in-game, reach out to trustworthy friends to vent or use chat resources like Games Hotline for support. Report behavior through the official system, and take a break. Remember, people who bully others online are unworthy of your time and energy. Focus on what makes you happy.
To help you avoid the ill-mannered randos, many online games have helpful group or guild finders that can help you whittle down a list of comfortable prospects. External, fan-build sites probably work better (e.g. for FF14 or League). Like in life, where sometimes all it takes is a random encounter at the organic salad bar in the grocery store, often you'll just be randomly grouped up with some really awesome, friendly people. Focus on them, and leave all the rest.
3. Local and Online Conventions
People watch, support small local businesses, and volunteer to maintain safe spaces.
Conventions have a little bit of something for every kind of person. Creatives can cosplay; competitors can spar; educators can share valuable industry information; and partiers can, well, party in cool costumes.
A GIF of red-haired Commander Shepard and Grunt the turtle-humanoid Krogan from the video game Mass Effect looking at a visual recording device. There is text that reads "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
For the quiet types, prepare for some particularly interesting people watching -- which you can often do even without buying a ticket. Where else can you find Commander Shepard sharing a Chipotle burrito bowl and a large Sprite with Handsome Jack? Many conventions also have an "Artist's Alley," so you can buy work from local artists and support small businesses. If you feel comfortable, try greeting folks who clearly share similar interests; you'll probably be able to find quite a few.
Some reminders: Always ask for consent before taking photos of cosplayers and review and follow the convention rules and guidelines. Take breaks when you need to; these spaces can often be overwhelming. Luckily, conventions have recently instituted quiet rooms with the help of organizations like Take This; a good way to get involved is by volunteering to maintain these spaces.
Look for conventions near you with this handy tool. You can find cons designed for and by folks from traditionally marginalized communities, and there are online conventions for those not currently open to travel. Sneak a peek and pick out a con that is accessible and the right fit for you. In general, you will likely feel content just being in proximity with people who share the same passions and interests.
Here are a couple awesome, annual conventions!
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4. eSports
Watch some intense matches, join a team, or support an new/existing chapter.
I probably qualify for what I call "plank rank" for most eSports-associated games; that is, I'm squarely in the lowest, non-metallic rank. Honestly, I probably have a fighting chance at Overwatch or TFT if other people are playing with their screens off. Even if you're not the best at aiming or strategizing, getting involved in eSports locally or at your school is still a good way to meet new people.
Universities and community colleges are quickly becoming hotspots for eSports with new chapters emerging across the world. In fact, many schools have designated eSports majors. Even if you don't have the skill set of your favorite streamer, organizations often need staff at different levels: managers, coaches, communications support, or super fans. Check out this overview of eSports careers from Goats And Pros. Start by searching through your school's website for existing organizations or reaching out to the resident Student Organization Coordinator.
If you're well out of college or the thought of introducing yourself to a club seems harrowing, try just attending an amateur or professional eSports event near you. Large, developer-supported eSports events feel like shorter conventions with increased hype. In either case, the excitement, vibes, and sights are well worth the entry fee.
In general, diversity is much needed in this industry with emerging organizations like Women in Games driving the push for change. Contribute your talent to an organization in your area, and pave the way for the next generation of eSports players and managers.
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4b. Tournaments
Any Kirby mains in the room? Luckily, Goats And Pros has got the right resources to help you host your own tournament. Check out the first post in the series here. Again, even if you're not on par with Cloud9 players, a lot of organizations need dedicated volunteers.
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5. Board and Video Game Bars
Bars take on a whole new meaning when there are nerds involved. With less focus on shouting in confined spaces and strenuous, claustrophobic dancing, these venues cater to a different crowd than your typical nightclub.
An animated GIF of a mother, daughter, and father from the TV show Daria sitting at a table and playing the board game Monopoly. The father on the right quickly moves a game piece along the board
Imbibe on alcoholic beverages or treat yourself to a non-alcoholic cocktail, indulge in pretzel knots with ooey-gooey cheese, and - depending on location - either play video games or board games to your heart's content. Some locations even have a happy hour where you can buy a drink and play all the board games you want for the evening; this is a great way to find a new favorite!
Even if it means heading in, grabbing a mocktail, and playing an arcade game on your own, the nerdy energy and game selection will definitely boost your endorphins. Game bars often have enough extra open space to play TCGs, so bring your best deck and face off with friends. Go ahead and search for a bar near you!
No board game bars in your area? Start a game night at home with your partner, your friends, or folks in your server using free virtual board game sites. Weird, sticky arcade floor space carpet not included!
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One final tip: A Simple Passive Buff
When in doubt, wherever you go, always wear merch from your favorite nerdy obsession. You never know who will catch sight of it, run over, and start to geek out with you.
I will end this list on a small reminder -- one that I wish I had understood a long time ago: being best friends with Mario, or Pikachu, or Sonic, or Solid Snake, or Master Chief is okay. Sharing the joy of gaming with others is a valid way of building friendships. Be who you are, love what makes you happy, and do not force yourself to be anything more. You will find your community. That is a promise from this everlasting introvert.
I'd love to chat with you about how you found community in gaming! Send me a message on Discord: Circie#8890
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